The Beggars Warehouse has been rocked by its first Intern doping scandal after Julian Pasterati tested positive for banned substances.
Pasterati, a NYU junior who recently laid claim to two consecutive Intern of the Week titles, tested for the banned blood booster erythropoietin (EPO) as confirmed by the French International anti-intern-doping agency (AIFLD), which is carrying out all tests on suspicions of wide scale above-average performance.
"After Record Store Day and the Sigur Rós ship, we started looking for qualities in our interns that went beyond their knowledge of early 70s Detroit garage," explained Warehouse Manager Adam Bohl. "As a result, we’ve had a few recent hires that aren’t the skinny kids we typically get."
The 20-year-old Pasterati provided a urine sample which also contained the banned substance CERA (Continuous Erythropietin Receptor Activator) after he made fellow interns suspicious by carrying the entire shipment of Dead Can Dance box sets in one load on Wednesday afternoon.
"We understand that drugs are a crucial part of anyone’s forays and experiences in the music industry, but we’ve decided to suspend all intern activities until we find out what has happened," Bohl added before bellowing a lungful of Moroccan Primiero into the air that was brought back from a fellow member of staff’s recent honeymoon.
Phil Ligget, the voice of International cycling, was asked to comment on the matter and responded "Don’t you guys ship those Jay Reatard 7"s from that same warehouse… are there any left?"
